INTERACTING WITH THE BEREAVED

Each instance of loss and grief is individual. The causes leading to death vary, and the loss always occurs at a particular point in life. People are different, each with their own life history and personal ways of reacting in and dealing with difficult situations. These things influence how the bereaved person deals with and expresses their grief. Each grieving person should be treated as an individual. Remember to ask them what kind of support they need. Grief also affects children and young people. Their grief is just as deep as that of an adult, even though the way that they express grief is different depending on the age of the child. The death of a loved one affects children and young people very strongly, and they always need adult support to cope with loss and grief. Read more about the grief of children and young people.

You can show compassion through both words and deeds. When interacting with a person who has lost a loved one, you should express your sympathy and condolences in some way. Expressions such as “I am sorry for your loss” or “My condolences” are considered common and neutral expressions in professional interactions and in Finnish culture. The life of a person who has lost a loved one has been greatly disturbed, and they feel hurt if what has happened is ignored during the interaction. Expressing your condolences acts as a conversation opener, after which you can discuss other issues related to loss and grief. You can also tell the grieving person that you have no words suitable for the situation. In addition to words, you can show compassion through actions, like touching or looking at the bereaved, or simply being present for them.

Having a professional present and listening is very important to the bereaved. Grieving people value compassionate interaction and unhurried presence. People who have lost a loved one often want to talk to someone about what has happened, and they need someone who listens to them. When supporting the bereaved, listening is more important than talking. When supporting a grieving person, you have to accept that you cannot take away or diminish their grief. It is important that the grieving person is not left alone, but that there are people who can bear their pain. 

The important thing is not to try to “solve” a person’s grief. We cannot make grief go away by acting in a certain way or by trying to find an explanation or meaning for what has happened. You should also never compare different kinds of losses with each other or value one kind above another. Well-meaning advice or expressions used to comfort the grieving person often feel hurtful to them. Expressions such as “No one is given more than they can bear”, “Time heals all wounds” or “It will feel better in a year” may be said with good intentions, but they do not comfort the bereaved.

The grieving person needs information about what has happened. Professionals should provide the bereaved with information about matters related to death and answer any questions they may have. It is often comforting for the bereaved to hear facts about what has happened and to receive general information about grief. This information helps the bereaved to understand what has happened, as well as their own reactions related to the death of a loved one. Professionals should speak clearly and use terms that are easy to understand. If the grieving person is in shock, it may be difficult for them to receive information. There should also be an opportunity for discussion later, and information should also be provided in writing. The bereaved should also be given information about the support available to them.

People who have experienced loss are allowed to feel grief throughout their lives. You should always respect the grief of a person who has lost a loved one. Everyone has the right to grieve, no matter the situation. Never downplay anyone’s grief. When talking about the deceased, you can and should use their name. Do not expect the grief to progress through certain stages or set time limits for how long it can last. People live with grief, and it often accompanies them in some way throughout their lives. It is natural to occasionally feel intense grief even after a long period of time after the loss. The initial pain does ease, however, and life goes on, also bringing good and positive things with it.

In addition to the support of loved ones, the bereaved may also need professional help. The grieving person should be informed about their rights, the different forms of support available and, if necessary, referred to professional support. You should also encourage the bereaved to accept support. If the death occurs at an early age or suddenly, crisis support is an important first line of support, in addition to the support of loved ones. You should also give the grieving person written information about the different forms of support available to them, so that they can familiarize themselves with this information later. The need for support may not arise until some time after the loss. That is why it is important to offer support both at the initial stages and later on. Learn more about the different support channels, peer support and grief organizations.